Food and TV....an alienating combination.

Okay, so here’s the skinny... Shit.

Back up.

Okay, so here’s a little insight to my life right now. It goes like this ;

Porridge

Banana

Work

Coffee

Turkey Pitta

Water

Home

Salad/Veg

Apple

Water, water, water

Green Tea

Pee, pee, pee.

Sleep

Repeat.

Yes, it’s just that repetitive, unpleasant and boring. But with the overindulgences of Christmas now forgotten and a friend’s wedding on the near horizon (selfish bastard!), I have to ensure I look, well, hopefully as good as (if not better than) the Groom himself – that’ll show him for getting married and making me sweat about fitting into my suit!

This repetitive life actually isn’t too bad once you get into it. It’s a little over a week (this is gonna’ sound like an advert for a quit smoking campaign, apologies for sounding so lame...) and I feel a little bit better in myself already. Not that I’m exactly HUMONGOUS, or point and laugh at heavy, just, well, Christmas is a great excuse to binge and it took till late January till all the Christmas contraband was kicked from the cupboards...that and I have inexhaustible penchant for chocolate and Christmas pudding.  

The repetition is sort of comforting in a way – my routine is all laid out and very systematic, which I have come to realise I enjoy...sort of. However, after ignoring all the weight loss advertisements (you know, the Weight Watchers, Danone Activia yoghurts, Special K etc.) that were instantly and incessantly broadcasted on and from the button of 12:01a.m on New Years Day, ones I possibly should have taken heed of but, like a Crack Head, was too high on Chocolate and Cake to care. Had I listened, well, I’d now be on the way to being a “better me” – UGH! Woe is me.

Typically, I didn’t listen to Martine McCutcheon’s relentless chirping on about taking on her “Activia Challenge” with her vindictive, yet fabulous smile – I mean, I’m not going to listen to a, pah, actress fronting a consumer campaign on behalf of a capitalist product...what moron would do that? ...

Well, actually, it appears a lot of women buy into this advertising lark, and tv, after telling us to indulge in the months leading up to Christmas, was now telling us to cut back on our intake...until next December. 

However, it appears I got on the boat to “Health Island” a little later than the rest. These ads aren’t half as consistent as they were a month ago, and have been replaced with new commercials that are causing this somewhat, enjoyable repetitious game of food intake I’ve got going on, to become a lot harder, at night time in particular. Every second ad is hocking food. Aeros. Dominos. Coke. Budeweiser. Subway. Mars. M&Ms’. Uncle Bens. Dolmio (“When’sa your Dolmio day?” – Seriously, if I could punch that puppet square in the head I’d feel a little better!!!) Repeat.

Like some twisted nightmare in-between obscure television programmes about self improvement. Fuck. It’s like television has it in for us folk that enjoyed Christmas a little too much...after telling us to purchase those Forrero Rocher and that box of Cadbury biscuits, and those boxes of reduced priced beer. What kind of sadistic marketing people are out there? They’re horrid, horrid people – not that we didn’t already know this, but this is essentially the final nail in the binge fridge. This is proof that advertising campaigns are not in our best interest, EVER! Perhaps those ads flogging cheaper membership to Weight Watchers wasn’t in our interest either...infact, it most certainly wasn’t.

The guilt I was caused to feel in early January has transferred to anguish as I try to improve my lifestyle with that of a healthier one, but fuck you anyway television, I think you’re toying with me. Only, I’m not giving in. I’m far more stubborn than any relentless advertising campaign. Yeah. I’ve got discipline...well...until December next. UGH... You’ll win again tv, no doubt. But in the mean time, I’m fighting you.

As for my friend and his wedding...well, we still have a stag to attend – and while I guzzle down water and vodka I’ll be feeding him up on full fat beer disguised in a light beer glass! YEAH! That’ll show him for inviting me to his shindig and making me put my life (and waist size) into perspective and under scrutiny...the lovely bastard he is.