Recently whilst scouring through pornographic images on XNXX and endless new additions to URBAN DICTIONARY to bolster my knowledge of new-fangled sexual trends and general obscenity to partake in a game I regularly play with a friend of mine through text, whereby we try to go one better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) than the other in the pursuit of ultimate perversion (well, I never claimed it was a mature game, did I?), I was left, well ...stumped, for once. Not in the sense that there wasn’t enough horrible new trends or words out there to pick from, but rather, quite the opposite - there was too bleedin’ much! I had once been up to date in these lowly additions, both in pornographic and literary terms, but now, there is seemingly no way to partake in this game I once created and loved, as it would appear, the horrid past times of the world are coming so fast and hard (excuse the pun) that there can be no end to my high brow game. And for a man that prided himself on being “down” with these offending trends, it’s pretty disheartening to suddenly be out of the loop with the over saturation of others salacious activities.
Then today, I was left standing bereft and confused as might an OAP suffering from dementia in a shop approximate to my office when I tried to pick up a bottle of water. Yes, a bottle of water. But to my dismay, this is no longer an easy task by any means (God love you if you are an OAP suffering from a lil’ dementia!). See, there are no longer just one or two brands of water to choose from – now there are literally hundreds. Gone are the days where Evian and Ballygowan had a stronghold on the market – now there’s water named after each county, country and ones promoted by celebrities. And water isn’t water anymore – no, it now comes with the capabilities of burning off calories, or working as a hard working antioxidant and are mixed with tropical juices no one has ever heard of, and that’s just this one shop! Seriously, it’s enough to drive someone barmy. I had enough trouble deliberating between still and sparkling when it was just two brands.
The water has recently been incorporated into my diet as opposed to fizzy drinks like Coke and 7up, but with endless water companies fighting to get you to buy their brands, with such briberies as being able to help you maintain your weight or make you feel better, and at low enough costs (each one comes cheaper than the next), well, you start to doubt what you came into the shop in the first place for – thus why I left with a pack of cigarettes and a coffee.
But in a society driven by capitalism and canvassers, we are bombarded daily by choice. Now, this is not so much a bad thing, or so you may think – but with so many choices to choose from, how do we know we are attaining the best? I mean, it’s a sad world when porn isn’t just a guy and girl banging anymore – but no, you have to filter through the “Cream-pies” and “Cuckolds” to get hold of the basics. I know this all may be rather shocking and revelatory to some, maybe even a little brazen and pretty blasé to talk about such a taboo in a carte blanche manner, but damn it, whatever happened to simple choices for simple people?
For instance, if porn and overpriced waters aren’t something that have been on your radar for some time now (and if you’re a bloke, you’d be lying if you stated otherwise), just look around at any electricity pole and you will be met with poster after poster of an anaesthetically displeasing politician – all smiling and hocking themselves at you in the hope of a vote that’ll get them a seat that will ultimately better them (financially and status wise), but not necessarily you, the voter. This is why they make promise after promise to you and I, but deep down you know they’ll never achieve what they’ve promised. They’re selling themselves to you like a teenager looking for an internship in a bar, but unequivocally they’re going to steal from the proverbial cash register when your back is turned.
Today, there is no easy choice to be made – I have no clue what any of them can achieve, and essentially, they’re all spouting out the same rhubarb, just in different phrasings – yet, if you don’t vote, a handful of them are getting into power either way. But much like water – how do you know which one is the best for you? Essentially, water is just water – like a politician is a politician (a.k.a – bullshitter). To most of us out there who turn on our trusted pontificate Fraggle Rock look-alike that is Vincent Browne some evenings, just to hear him lose the rag mostly, all we know is how rubbish and deceitful politicians are – so perhaps not the best time to ask us, Joe Public, to vote for them.
I hear people almost daily proclaim “as long as Fianna Fail don’t get back into power, we’ll be okay”, which is, in fairness, utter shite. The only comparison I can make to this is an ex-girlfriend not wanting to see their ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend, whichever way you swing these days...) do well after fucking them over. Well, at least I think it’s an apt comparison. To be frank, it’s an indifferent situation with indifferent self serving politicians banging at the doors of the nation in a bid to fill their pockets. They're all not to be trusted, not just Fianna Fail. However, if a politician came up to me and said something to the effect of “I’m actually just doing this in order to earn a lot of money for doing fuck all, and to have my ego massaged while I’m not doing it” I’d be more willing to get out there and vote for him – would you not?...It would be the first honest politician anyone’d have met...for a change.
Yes, the world is full of options, ever changing and increasingly frustrating. People are becoming increasingly crude and obscene, and water is now something more than just water (”a lifestyle choice” according to one brand)...but one thing you can always bank on ; whatever Taoiseach we end up with next week – he’s still going to be less than convincing. Sure what would expect from a bunch of over valued Primary School Teachers!?
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