Civil Partnership, and the taboo thereof.

Question: What comes to mind when you think of four hundred camera flashes, enough fake tan to cover a small village, two hundred guests in want of beef or salmon, fifty eight jealous smiles/fifteen sets of crying eyes, a contract and two gold bands?

You’re thinking about marriage, right?

Wrong! HA! Trick question! No, I’m talking about Civil Partnership. Got you there!

Now you’re thinking “Well, they’re the same thing.”...and you’d be right, only, well, you’re wrong. The only other insignificant, if not irrelevant, difference between a marriage and a civil partnership is the religious ethos behind the life sentence incarceration of a couple...to one another, which in this day in age is pretty amusing given religion should even play a part in the lives of men and women when they’ve been out test driving potential partner(s) (FACT: Most people imagine they’ll marry at least two of their boyfriends/girlfriends)– so the sin of sex is a foregone conclusion, if not necessity to hook an unassuming male/female months, if not years, before the consummation of ones marriage.

Yes, this month will see the taboo that is Civil Partnerships be granted to gay Irish citizens, although, rumour has it, there has been at least one civil partnership initiated prior to the date of registry acceptance ; the male couple in question are said to have registered their partnership on 7^th February, 2011 as one of the party had a terminal illness and was thought not to make it the two months to registration – which proves one of two things ; men are as romantic as women – a shocking revelation(!), or just as big a Anna Nicole Smith’s (gold-diggers), and if you’re as big a pessimist as I, you’ll be thinking the latter...you heartless beast.

So what is all the kafuffle about? Men want to marry men. Women want to marry women. It’s pretty logical when you sit down and think about it. People perceive love, or what they think is love, and want to express it by defining their relationship in a reverse voyeuristic-typed event whereby they sign a legally (“our love is so hot baby, we gotta get the Government in on this shit”) binding document that will ensure their commitment to one another, or financially beleaguer them forever...and isn’t that what marriage is all about in the first place? So I say fair play to anyone who wishes to lock themselves to another for an indefinable period of time (a scary thought to say the least). If gay people wish to be as miserable as most married men and women, shouldn’t we let them off and wish them well? However you answer this question will tell you if you’re either;

(a) A homophobe ;

(b) A Bible wielding/fascist nut-job, or ;

(c) a person who is pretty indifferent to the whole thing,

and if you’re either (a) or (b), here’s a message, just for you ; the world is changing rapidly, and there’s nothing you can do to stop the cogs turning, so as my 3 year old nephew might put it – “nah-nah,nah-nah-nah”.

Look, here’s the skinny on marriage – it’s really not that big a deal from what I’ve seen of it, and there are two common beliefs associated to it, depending on your outlook ;

1.     Marriage is for those who wish to be with one another and have a family, or ;

2.     Marriage is the result of a mental defect whereupon people have been fooled by the chemicals of their brain that they love one person so much, they need to be with them (FOREVER! Eeek!), and have a family, which in essence is actually a trick of the mind that ensures the re-population of society.

See the way I said “person” above, which implies either a man or woman can love? Well, there you go. Do you question who it is that should love another person, be it man and woman, or man and man/woman and woman? No? Then shouldn’t men and women be allowed have the company of the same sex...legally? And that’s what marriage is – constant company throughout your life.

You watch T.V. together. Eat together. And if you’re really kinky, shower together (it conserves water!)...but that’s really it – you just do shit together – almost like having a best mate that you can relate to...and get you off into the bargain. And to be fair, if my best mate (from age 8) could get me off, I’d possibly wanna marry him – but alas, he just doesn’t “do” it for me in that sense, although, we never tried...maybe I’ve missed out on something? (Joke, John – don’t worry, you sexy bastard!).

What is the argument against gay marriage? Oh wait, sorry….”civil-partnership”? That it devalues archetype marriages? It’s against God? What? I’m not sure – but if the Catholic Church are against it, all I’m saying is, I’m all for it...whatever they dislike – I’m gonna love even more. Personally, I think they’re just a little jealous and frustrated that it’s now acceptable to be gay in society, and that they’ve wasted their lives locked up in the largest consolidated closet the world has ever known...with matching members collars.

Whilst watching The Late Late Show on Friday night (I actually only turned it on to see how Ryan (my pencil has more charisma) Tubridy would juggle such an anti-Catholic Church “taboo” subject, that, and to see Keith Barry get the shit slapped out of him (after ripping off a Derren Brown trick)) I spotted a male sat in the audience who clapped along with the rest of the audience at the end of the gay-civil-partnership-spiel, only to stop half way through his blind-follow-clapping to fold his arms and shake his “manly” head in disagreement with the whole thing. For me, he epitomises the response by the general public to the whole equation. People by nature want to see others happy, together and in love (unless you’ve previously been scorned by relationships – that, or had a variation of the clap yourself), but unfortunately, throw in the whole “God”/Religious Guilt thing and people aren’t so sure it’s the right thing, or should be allowed. Pah! Evidence that gay people aren’t wrong to love one another, but that religion is an evil entity that has driven people to incorrect conclusions...like it has done so many times in the past! Now, I’m not saying I enjoy seeing men kissing on street corners, but lets’ be fair, I don’t have a problem with women kissing on street corners, and on occasion have, in a rather juvenile fashion, guffawed for a moment and collected the image for my proverbial wank-bank. By this definition, acceptance of one sex kissing, I cannot disagree with males doing like wise, so I cannot say that homosexuality is wrong, but merely a decision, like, should I have white bread or brown bread? Kinda like marriage in a way? It may not be for you, or it could be the best thing to happen you...you useless fecker! Either way, it should not be seen as a big issue, but rather a joyous thing for people to enjoy...for a single day...and regret for a life time. I mean, who would want to exclude gay people from that? They have as much a right to be as miserable as the next person. Case closed.

Actually, wait a minute; perhaps marriage shouldn’t be a legal institution in the first place? Perhaps that’s the real issue. What place does Religion, Law or the Government have in the love and union of a couple? As the great (comedian) Doug Stanhope once said “If marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it? Nope – but if you don’t do it you’re an asshole”...and if you oppose Civil Partnership, and seeing people happy and in love (for however long), whatever the sex of the couple, you’re an even bigger asshole.