The Perception of Masculinity

As the rudimentary lyrics of Jessie J’s current chart-topping and highly thought provoking (if you’re 11) song include “I can do it like a brother, do it like a dude – grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you…bang, bang…hey pour me a beer, no pretty drinks,  I’m a guy out here”. Curiously, what Jessie J is attempting to exhibit is the general traits of males and masculinity. Scarily, she succeeds in epitomising males the world over in just a few lines of coarse imagery.

Masculinity is a funny thing if you sit and think about it. The mere notion of it makes us men do incredibly insipid stupid inspired things, all just to be seen as a “blokey-bloke”. But don't put this level of stupidity down to the man behind the act, no, put it down to masculinity, for "masculinity" is a term that has been hijacked by the foolish of the male kingdom. No longer is it associated with being tough or just being a man, no, masculinity is now a term more closely identified with the adulterous, gormless and murderous.

"I didn't mean to kill that woman, your Honour...it was my masculinity...".

"I didn't mean to sleep with that woman..fine, she was 16....okay, girl....look, whatever...I'm a bloke here!!!"

See, masculinity is not an entity that encourages cleverness or well thought out plans, but is relied upon by bravado of machismo. For instance, if you are to join Twitter right about now, add Charlie Sheen , and you will note that he has over two million followers (mostly male no doubt), after just a few days on the social network – which is a monumental achievement considering all he did to attain such a vast following was to survive a drug binge the collective members of The Rolling Stones would have croaked over, lose his job/pay cheque (£1.2 million an episode) and have sex with a few porn stars, which is not alot to celebrate, if you aren’t thinking with a pair of balls. Oh, and create a new drug – the “Being Charlie Sheen” drug (there has to be a script in there somewhere…or at least a porno – easier on the dialogue!).   

While some people out there are disgusted with his antics, there are an equal measure of those clapping him on and waiting for the next part of his sensationalistic tale. Granted, most of these people doing the clapping are males with the same mental capacity as seals, but we all love great car crash television and tabloids – lets be fair. But what is it that encourages males to celebrate the now demi-God/drug, Charlie Sheen? Is it that he's successful and rich (or as he puts it “an unemployed winner”)? Nope. Well, not exactly. It's most likely because he's sharing a bed with two women (a.k.a The Wedge) that are in love with his bank balance, and celebrating his own stupidity so profoundly himself. Possibly we should feel sorry for the disillusioned fellow...no wait, he's rich. Let's hate him. No wait, he shares a bed with two women – let's clap him on. Oh, it's enough to send you crazy with the mixed emotions you can feel

for this charming "funny" every-man.

Question ; What can a rich man attain that the normal man can't? Answer ; Women, drugs and nonsensical material goods. Yet somehow, to the normal man, this sounds idealistic. As a friend of mine once put it to me "I hope I never become rich and famous", to which I queried why - his response was that he would have to start taking drugs and having sex with a lot of random women – just because there’s little else to stimulate you once you have everything else. And this is long before the Charlie Sheen escapade – but not long after Tom Sizemore’s debacle. Since then I have always queried why the rich and famous are so consistently linked with abuses of ones self. But after great thought I noted there was one word missing from my friend's statement...one word that has even eluded Charlie Sheen debatably throughout the later part of his career – "Success". The word is never linked to being rich or famous. People want it, but they'll take immoral women and drugs in absentia of it. But then again, what is success to “MANLY” (Grrrr) men? What is it equated to? ... Well, it’s a confused notion for some.

Success comes in many forms (philanthropy and self serving being the two archetype), but ask the everyman and inside his man head (one is the same as another at this point) and he'll be thinking of banging women (more than one at a time) and buying “things”, yet not making a difference or leaving his mark on the world – which is a shame. In the Renaissance period, man was obsessed with leaving his mark on the world – even commissioning artists and writers to do the work for them, just so their name was linked to something that people would come to remember them in the years that followed their death. Man has since become confused and disillusioned. Which, given your outlook, you might either think is sad, or well, fantastic.

If one were to pit the state of their life against Charlie Sheen, one would feel like they are sorely missing out on something. For instance, I share a bed with but one woman. In comparison to Charlie Sheen, I'm already behind. I most likely will never match his bank balance, unless I win the lottery, and I most certainly will never have such a great penchant for drugs...so in comparison to Charlie, I'm actually bit of a loser...is you're thinking with masculinity. However, if you aren't, and look at it on the flipside, I'm sort of winning...as you might be too – and pat yourself on the back. You’re great!!! Well done, your mediocrity is your best quality!!!

But in this day in age, I have learnt masculinity and being seen as a man amongst your peers is what counts most, so there is no question as to why a man like Charlie Sheen is a hero to today's male. For instance, I was on a stag not so long ago, which should be aptly renamed "stag-gering", as it appears this is mostly what goes on, aside from male banter, eating fast food, adrenaline fuelled activities and leering at women. Infact, a stag(gering) is so masculine orientated that if you are to look up the dictionary for a definition you will note that it is recorded as "a social event only attended by men" (or “the castration of a male animal that has come of age” – which is accurate when you think about what marriage is about)....grrrrr, yeah! I'm a man! I was on a stag!!! Only, no...see, I was not a man....but apparently an apprentice male, as this was my first stag. I was but a stag “virrrrrgin” surrounded by prominent stag goers. However, despite my adverse handicap, I learnt many things, as advice was consistently thrown at me by my elders, including what it was to be seen as a man...and after 25 years – now I know where I was going wrong! The list of advice is as follows :-

Don't drink light beer – you will be denounced of your manliness and berated for the weekend, as I was.

Don't talk too much - talking too much reminds married men of their wives apparently. Real men enjoy awkward silences and have little to say, other than jibes, put downs and the odd "Phfffwarrrr" when an attractive member of the opposite sex is within sight.

Don't dare eat fruit, porridge or put Canderel in your coffee.

Don't be the first to go to bed (this is one I achieved!).

Don't ignore that drunk girl looking for you attention (standing aided by the wall), swoon all over her given the first opportunity. Even better if she’s pissed…apparently.

Don’t have a styled haircut, appear well groomed or wear an open shirt with a t-shirt underneath – yeah, you’re gayyyy if you do!  

Don’t dance overtly to 1980’s dance classic “The Only Way Is Up”…infact, don’t dance at all – real men don’t dance.

Don’t have gone to Boarding School for six years and now be an aspiring playwright…

See, being a man and living up to male "masculine" expectation is not so much a code of what to do, but rather, a list of what not to do. It's about differentiating yourself from females (even though women on hens are just as bad, if not worse, than males on stags), and this is at the lower end of social standings where these men I was socialising with, though decent and humorous, would become Charlie Sheen-alikes in a heartbeat, well, if they only had more money, hair and were better looking.

Is masculinity just an excuse to live under a code of acting like a Muppet, or is actually the definition of what it is to be seen as a man? Would it really put a woman off you if you were to put Canderel in your coffee and actually have a thought provoking conversation? According to some of the men I was with on this voyeuristic voyage, neither is acceptable. But I do have to remind myself that this is most likely just mob-mentality. These men, like myself, will be attending the wedding of the Groom in the coming weeks and I am curious to see how macho and masculine fuelled these men will be with their respective partners on hand to keep them on a tight leash.

The one question I now ask myself after the stag and Charlie Sheen's recent women/drug induced melt down is, Am I man's man? I like sports...films (not chick-flicks...ugh!!! (well, except for Wimbledon – but that’s just a great film!))...fast food and beer...and most importantly, women....but somehow, I don't appear to be seen as one by the manliest of men. Perhaps being a man's man isn't about being one at all, but rather being seen to be one, or the perception of attaining masculinity by virtue of acting like a fifteen year old. Perhaps all men secretly enjoy a Light Beer and coherent conversation, or at least, one can only hope they do.

In the end, if masculinity is merely perception/an image, and an allowance to do stupid things and not be questioned on it afterwards, then perhaps overt masculinity isn't an expectation that the typical male should aspire to. Perhaps we'd all be better off being something else. Perhaps Charlie Sheen is already this and is just living one big act to get attention/has a mental deficiency. Either way, if I'm not seen as a man after this article, then screw it, I am proud to be something else. I am proud not to be Charlie Sheen.